Happy Assistants Day

Tonight, I walked into Kroger and all of the night employees were huddling around blowing up hundreds of balloons. I asked what they were doing and one guy said that they were making the balloons for his mother's 50th birthday. 

When I said, "But that one says 'I'm sorry,'" he said "Yeah?"

Everything that Glitters is Gold

ohnicoleashly [8:32 PM]: I'm not sleeping with him ohnicoleashly [8:32 PM]: he's got a gf ohnicoleashly [8:32 PM]: I'm not some sort of.... ohnicoleashly [8:32 PM]: homewrecker. god. leia Leia Darling [8:32 PM]: that's not a home. thats a sublease. ohnicoleashly [8:32 PM]: OMG ohnicoleashly [8:33 PM]: hahahahahhaha ohnicoleashly [8:33 PM]: rent to own

Ladies and Gentleman of the Jury:

Nicole: You are soooo drunk.

Me: Nicole, I'm not a mirror.

I Speak My Own Sins

This summer I:

- Spent two and a half months without a car in San Francisco.
- Wore a coat almost every single day.
- Did a lot of things I "never do."
- Met a whole lot of people that I've been hearing stories about for four years.
- Lived on my own 3/4 of the week and survived.
- Learned the BART like the back of my hand, and rode it almost every day.
- Endured 100 degree weather for a week without air conditioning.
- Almost got to hug a healing nun.
- Met a guy who went to Johnson High School at an international hostel.
- Went to a psychic who requires reservations two months in advance.
- Was in San Francisco when gay marriage was legalized and watched a lot of people get married.
- Kissed Claire at Gay Pride for charity.
- Was a guest of honor at the U.S. Coast Gaurd's Change of Command ceremony and party
- (Sort of) Learned how to swing dance.
- Spent eleven hours at the Bloomingdale's Mall with a pillow and a suitcase.
- Got comp tickets to a costume party at Bondage A Go-Go that was featured on Playboy T.V.
- Learned the name of every single person who worked at the 7/11 in the Mission.
- sat in V.I.P. box seats at a Dresden Dolls concert.
- Went on a road trip for the first time as the driver.
- Spent a weekend stranded in Atlanta after my car broke down on said road trip.
- Sang the lead singer of Panic at the Disco his own song over the phone.
- Took a lot of pictures, but not nearly enough.

There's More to Life than Books, You Know.

Me: I have to write a summary of my first memory, what I think it means and how I feel about men and women in relation to that first memory.

Caroline: My first memory is of dropping a plastic ring in the grass and trying to find it. I don't know what that means, but it sure makes me hate men.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

When I stay up this late lines between the real and imaginary seem to blur. I fall asleep in the morning, I wake up in the afternoon or the evening. I can't remember if thoughts I've had were in real life or in my dreams. I can't sort out whether conversations I recall actually occured or not and if they did, who they were with. I start reading words wrong, reading sentances wrong.

I stay up long after I feel sick and something inside just will not let me go to sleep. Not until morning. Not until its safe.

What's done is done is done is done.

Me: The only thing keeping me from killing someone today is that I really, really don't want to go to jail.

Nicole: Don't let that stop you! You'd go to girl jail, its just like a giant sleepover every night.

Example: It kind of sneaks up on you.

My phone doesn't keep sent text messages. Which is usually only mildly annoying as I can generally remember what I said long enough to understand the response.

The only time its ever severely annoying is when I wake up Saturday morning after having a few cocktails the night before finding messages like, "I agree." in my inbox.

To what, I may never know.

These are the things you learn about yourself when you stay up past 4am.

I really, really do not understand why every commercial about achieving financial success involves an older couple painting a chair in their garage.

Or why this quiz I had to take for psychology says that I have low self esteem and a moderate bias towards being sad over being angry.

Or why it is impossible for me to sleep lately.

Barbie Hell House

When you live somewhere long enough, through enough, you start to attach memories to everything, and in a town that never changes that's a dangerous thing. You can get so caught up in those memories that its impossible to make any new ones.

Savannah is starting to seem like a giant doll house to me. It seems to be shrinking every day and I'm seeing it more and more from an ariel perspective. I know exactly when and where to go if I want to see someone. Everyone is always exactly where I left them, doing the same shit, saying the same things waiting for me to come and move them someplace else.

Cahro-liiiih-hine.

Me: She was so mad that I misquoted the lyrics, but I was trying to make them about you.

Caroline: I appreciate that. I like it when people make things about me.

She's the cocaine to my Lindsay Lohan.

Nicole: We're going to get shot in the parking lot of this Kroger and our last words will have been, "Guys should never have bangs."

Me: At least I will have died standing up for something I believe in.

"To quote The Clash, should I stay or should I rock the casbah?"

Why I love the man at "Lost Weekend Video":

Video Store Guy: (to co-worker) I hate when I have a big stack of videos to put back on the shelves and people follow me around asking me if I have such and such movie.

Me: I did that every single day for three weeks because someone wouldn't return the first disc of Californication.

Video Store Guy: I watched the first disc and couldn't wait to watch the second one and the person who had it kept it out way past due so one night after close I called him up and said, "Look, Californication is past due but if you bring it back tonight I'll waive the late fees. If you wait until tomorrow, maybe double."

Me: Ha!

Video Store Guy: The first disc was way better though, the ending on the season was terrible! He gets the girl!?

Me: Yeah, I really wanted him to end up sad and alone.

Video Store Guy: Right!?

You shouldn't play with matches, madmen or magnets.

Yahoo's top story tonight was: ATOM SMASHER TO BE TURNED ON AUGUST 1ST


Then underneath it, it said: Scientists predict it will not suck the Earth into a black hole.

Also it stated that scientists gave it a mere one in 50 million chance of causing a global catastrophy, or the odds of winning the lottery.

Here's the thing- Every month, someone wins the lottery.

Facebook is not a Yearbook

Facebook should just go ahead and rename its "People you may know," application to "People who were in your 10th grade Biology class and you just didn't find interesting enough to keep in contact with, and you probably would have forgotten about altogether until they started popping up on the right hand side of your facebook window every time you sign on," application.

Or that may be too long, I don't know.

Rally L

Hey guys, remember Ghostwriter?

Yeah?

Okay, but did you remember that Samuel L. Jackson played Jamal's father?

Yeah, didn't think so.

Sacagawea would be... (proud?)

Johnny Ganems, the local liquor store, does not accept gold dollar coins despite the fact that they're legal currency. Because they don't say, "In God We Trust."

Which, despite being sort of strange, is not even true.

Carry On

Tim Gunn on filming his show, "Tim Gunn's Guide to Style."

We had this thing called a Fashion Therapy Kit, and I would present it to our subject on the last day of taping. And I’d give them the book ‘Tim Gunn: A Guide to Quality, Taste and Style’, with it already inscribed to her. And the person is, generally speaking, touched by the gift.

So we have a new director, and it’s Episode 6. This new director calls out from the production room, ‘Um, could we do that again and see a little less of the book?’ So I said, ‘Yeah.’ We did it again. He says, ‘No, I’m still seeing too much of the book.’ I said, ‘What’s your issue with the book?’ And he said, ‘It just feels like a little too much self-promotion.’

I paused, and then I said, ‘Self-promotion? This show is based on this book.’ He said, ‘Well, I just want to see a little less of it.’ So we do it again, and he said, ‘No, I’m still seeing too much of the book.’ So I said, ‘I can take care of that.’

I take the book, I walk through the set that is my office, I walk into the dressing room, where there is a window, and I throw the book out the window. I come back to my place on the set, and I say, ‘You don’t have to worry about seeing the book again.’

The crew and everyone is slackjawed. So then I say, because I’m on a roll at this point, ‘Oh my gosh, I see more of those dreadful books on the bookshelf!’ So I go over, I gather all the books up, I walk through the set, through the dressing room and throw all of them out the window. Then I return to my place on the set. So that’s my one diva moment.

True Story

My grandmother is a character. Seriously. Once at a party she grandly announced, "Something in this room has been in a boat!" When asked what it was, she couldn't remember. For my eleventh birthday she gave me a beaded tassel.

So, tonight my mom was supposed to go to a gallery opening with her. Just as my mom was about to leave the house, the phone rang. It was my grandmother. In some sort of bizarre mistake, after getting dressed she went to her dresser to spray herself with perfume and sprayed herself with turpentine instead.

And then she no longer wanted to go out because she smelled bad.

Next Month: National Ethics Awareness Month

February is National Sinus Pain Awareness month. So, to celebrate I contracted myself a case of the flu. Along with the sinus pain I was also aware of coughing, sore throat, body aches, a 104.9 fever and semi-delusional behavior.

I slept pretty much the entire weekend except for when I woke up to have this conversation with Chris:

Me: Are you guys trying to win a Barry Bottle contest?

Chris:(the only other person in the room) ...what?

Me: Barry Bottle strings.

Chris: What are you talking about? Do you have a fever?

Me: No! I'm talking about a real thing!

Chris: What are you talking about?

Me: Uh... uhm. I don't remember.